


Please wait, the meeting host will let you in soon.

by stfustucky (iwillpaintasongforlou)



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Banter, Domestic Fluff, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Shenanigans, Eskel needs a drink, Flirting, Fluff and Humor, Geralt needs noise canceling headphones, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, SOFT AS FUCK, Workplace Relationship, Zoom Romance, group chat nonsense, it's 2020 that tag needs to be canonized, the margaritas made them do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:49:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27235264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwillpaintasongforlou/pseuds/stfustucky
Summary: Jaskier and Lambert are coworkers by day and ..........lovers? fuckbuddies? pals who trip and fall onto each others' dicks a lot?...... by night. They get drunk during a Zoom staff meeting and forget to be subtle. That's it, that's the fic.
Relationships: Jaskier | Dandelion/Lambert
Comments: 15
Kudos: 130





	Please wait, the meeting host will let you in soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Is this author subjected to weekly Zoom call staff meetings that would be so much more bearable with a buzz? Has she had to carefully angle her laptop so that no one can tell she's in the same room as someone else on the call?? Does she spend those staff meetings flicking through the gallery view being nosey about coworker's backgrounds and talking shit in the group chat because that's infinitely more interesting than whatever the fuck we're talking about??? idk man you decide

"You're going to get the both of us fired, you know that?"

"Nah, they won't fire both of us.  _ One _ of us, maybe," Lambert considers, stretching his limbs luxuriously on the couch. He'd won the rock paper scissors and got the comfy seat, the bastard, while Jaskier is curled up on the armchair. "Of course, I'm so ruggedly handsome that I'll probably be the one that they keep, which sucks for you. But I can be your sugardaddy, if you want, though. You'll just have to have sex with me all the time."

"I already have sex with you all the time," Jaskier points out.

Lambert immediately gets a dopey smile on his face as he stares off into the distance. "Mmm. Hell yeah you do."

He's a fucking idiot, and Jaskier wants to smack his face and kiss his mouth at the same time, which is pretty much the usual for what he feels when he's around Lambert. They've been... dating? fucking around?... for around a month now, and Jaskier is constantly surprised by how much he actually enjoys it. Enjoys  _ him. _ He'd always thought that Lambert was nothing more than an asshole who didn't know how to take anything seriously. One drunken encounter after a work party later, he now knows that Lambert is an asshole who doesn't know how to take anything seriously who's also secretly sweet and sensitive if you bother to take the time to get past his walls.

Jaskier still wants to slap him a lot, though. That's probably not going to go away anytime soon.

"Rules against dating coworkers are stupid anyways," Lambert muses, opening up his laptop and logging in. "Like what is that preventing?"

"People missing conference calls because they're getting blowjobs in the bathroom," Jaskier says pointedly.

"And the supply closet," adds Lambert.

"Don't forget the stairwell that one time!"

"That was a handjob so I don't think it counts, but alright, point taken, I guess. Okay, plan A then, you can get fired and I'll just pay your bills in return for access to tap that." Lambert throws a grin over in Jaskier's direction, and Jaskier answers it with an eye roll and a suppressed smile of his own.

"Just shut up and log onto the meeting," Jaskier says, doing the same himself. Their boss Vesemir is at a conference in Moscow this week and has decided to host their staff meeting virtually, with all of them able to work from home and just attend through Zoom. Jaskier had spent the night last night at Lambert's apartment, and he hadn't felt like going home at ass o'clock in the morning to log on in time for an 8am meeting, especially not when he's planning on blowing off work for the rest of the day anyways and probably roping Lambert into joining him like the bad influence that he is. They've carefully positioned themselves so that they can both be logged onto the meeting without being visible in each other's background, and no one needs to be any the wiser. 

"This is going to suck balls, and not in the fun way," Lambert sighs, grabbing his headphones to plug them in. "It's an all-staff meeting, which means we're going to be here for two hours."

_ "At least _ two hours," Jaskier grumbles. "Remember, Vesemir is abroad, which means we're also going to have to allot time for him to get sidetracked telling us about all of the interesting people and places and meals he's encountered in Moscow. And the stories about how long his plane was delayed for, and a description of the plot of the in-flight movie, and probably some other fresh horrors that I haven't even considered yet."

"I get that he's like 7 hours ahead of us right now, but I'm not going to lie, I'm hating this 8am bullshit. At least normally they do the staff meetings at the  _ end  _ of the day, so that we can go get drunk at happy hour right after."

"Well, you know what they say, it's 5 o'clock somewhere," Jaskier smirks. His comment is met with only silence, not the laughter or returning banter that he'd expected, and he looks across the room to see Lambert looking at him consideringly. "Oh god. You're having a bad idea, aren't you?"

"I'm having a great idea, actually," Lambert argues. "Are you presenting anything today?"

"No... you?" 

"I'm presenting you with margaritas, that's what I'm presenting," Lambert declares, getting up from his seat and running into the kitchen. "All we have to do is sit there and look pretty, which sounds like a great excuse to me."

He's... not wrong. He's wrong for suggesting it, because he really,  _ really  _ wants to get them fired, apparently, but honestly, the odds of anybody trying to ask for input from either of them during the meeting is pretty slim. They might be able to get away with daydrinking during this meeting. They'll almost definitely get away with it. And sitting through this goddamn thing with a buzz  _ does _ sound way better than trying to do it sober...

Lambert returns from the kitchen with a coffee mug full of margarita, and Jaskier can't think of a good enough reason to turn it away. "What the hell, why not?" he says as he takes it.

They both manage to get situated in front of their computers and turn on their cameras just in time for the meeting to start, trading conspiratorial glances at one another as they sip their not-coffee. It's a big enough crowd on the call that it's not really necessary to talk even in the awkward "let's make smalltalk while we wait for everyone to log on' part of the call, so they just wave to the camera and mind their business. Jaskier flips through the gallery view to look at all of his coworkers, noting who is clearly taking this call in bed, who has cute pets or kids in the background, and who doesn't know how Zoom works and is showing a live feed of their forehead and/or nostrils.

Geralt and Eskel are both there in their respective homes, Geralt looking bored and Eskel looking very studious as usual. "What do you think that the odds are that Kel has a notepad and pencil and is ready to take notes?" he asks Lambert, hiding his mouth behind his mug so that if anyone is watching him back, they won't be able to see him talking shit.

"Oh, that's not even a bet, that's a sure thing," Lambert snorts. "That fuckin' nerd. He knows damn well that we're not going to talk about anything important. What's he going to take notes on, the exact amount of times that it rained on Vesemir's vacation?"

"Um, I think you mean work trip."

"I fuckin' said what I meant."

Eventually the meeting does start, and it's exactly as idiotic as Jaskier had expected. Nothing important gets said, and everyone except Vesemir looks like they either want to take a nap or jump off a cliff, one of the two. "Oh my god, is this thing over yet?" Jaskier groans, trying to keep his face impassive for the camera's sake.

"We've only been on for like fifteen minutes, Jask." Jaskier groans again but louder, and Lambert has to fight to hide his snicker. "Wanna make a game out of it?"

"A game?" More bad ideas, which after most of a margarita sound like better ideas. "What did you have in mind?"

Off screen, where only Jaskier can see him, Lambert holds up his hand and starts ticking things off on his fingers. "One sip every time someone mutes or unmutes themselves accidentally. One sip every time Vesemir says 'you know.' Two sips if Karen asks a completely irrelevant question. Two sips if someone passive aggressively mentions an email that's already been sent. And finish your drink if..." He trails off, considering. "Oh, got it! If anyone mysteriously 'looses connection' and leaves the meeting before it's over."

"Lambert, I thought you liked me."

Lambert actually turns his head around to look at Jaskier, confused and a little alarmed. "The fuck? Of course I like you, why the fuck would you think I didn't?"

It's almost definitely only because of the alcohol that Jaskier has a warm and fuzzy feeling in his chest, not because Lambert is cute as shit or anything. "Because you're trying to kill me, obviously. I may be young, but I'm not sure that my liver is strong enough to withstand two hours of corporate life."

Confusion gives way to relief and a goofy grin. "Dumbass. That a yes, then?"

"Refill my mug and you're on."

..................... 

He's.... drunk. He's definitely drunk. Way too drunk to be on a Zoom call, and probably too drunk to function. He's trying really hard to keep his shit together, and probably failing. Much alcohols. Very drinking.

Lambert is doing better, but only barely. Jaskier tends to be a lightweight compared to him, so even though they're keeping pace with each other sip for sip, at least Lambert hasn't reached the 'unable to sit still' level of intoxication like Jaskier has. He  _ is _ tipsy enough to be echoing everything that Vesemir says in a Kermit the Frog impression, which is making Jaskier go nearly purple in the face from trying to contain his giggles.

"Stop that, I'm gonna --hic-- pee my pants!" Jaskier says, adjusting his laptop so that only half of his face is visible. Easier to hide the giggling that way.

"Sounds like a personal problem to me," drawls Lambert in his normal voice. "I keep telling you that you ought to wear pants less. Can't pee in articles of clothing that you don't wear. Oop, I just heard someone yell at their kid off mute-- that's a sip!"

"I'm empty again," Jaskier sighs, looking mournfully now at the bottom of his mug. "This is tragic."

"Luckily your hero has arrived to give you a refill," Lambert announces, turning off his camera and hitting the coffee mug symbol to indicate that he'll be afk so that he can get up and come snag Jaskier's empty cup and take it to the kitchen alongside his own. "We're going to have to switch to either wine or shots soon. We're almost out of margarita mix," he calls over his shoulder as he goes.

"Ugh, that's terrible. I'm rating you one star on boyfriends.com. Half a star if they'll let me."

The sound of breaking glass comes from the kitchen, and then Lambert's head comes peeking around with a dopey grin. "Boyfriend?"

Oops. Hadn't meant to let  _ that _ word slip out. Margaritas, Jaskier suddenly remembers, are not his friend. Ohhhh wellllll. "Yup. Sound good to you?" he replies, emboldened by all of the alcohol in his veins. 

"Sounds fucking  _ perfect," _ comes Lambert's answer, and that settles that.

He returns from the kitchen a minute later with a mug --a new mug, Jaskier dimly notices, with a cartoon puppy on it, which is even better than the one probably still laying shattered on the kitchen floor-- full of the last of the margaritas Lambert has to offer. Life is good, even if he does almost drop it himself when his phone suddenly starts buzzing wildly somewhere beneath his ass. He swears, fishes it out, then checks his notifications to see that the group chat for their little circle of friends at work is blowing up right now.

**Eskel: Um, what the fuck?  
** **Eskel: Did you see that, G????  
** **Geralt: See what?  
** **Eskel: Lambert walking across the background of Jaskier's video!!  
** **Geralt: Oh. yeah I saw that**

"Oops, we're busted," Jaskier giggles, balancing his drink precariously on the arm of the chair so that he can hold his phone properly and type a reply.

"For which part?"

"For the being together part. Geralt and Eskel saw you in my background. No worries, I got this."

**Jaskier: ojhh yeah lambernt and I are handing out today  
** **Jaskier: hanger***  
** **Jaskier: hanging******** haha autocorrect**

"It's fine, I covered for us," Jaskier reassures his new boyfriend. "I played it real cool, they'll never suspect anything."

**Geralt: Jaskier, you're drunk, aren't you?**

Dammit, they saw through his flawless acting. "Fuck."

"Fuck," Lambert answers, though he doesn't sound as concerned as he probably ought to be. "Tell them not to be jealous, they can come over if they want to as long as they bring more margarita mix. And also tequila, I just refilled my mug with straight tequila. So we're out of that now, too."

"You absolute bastard."

**Eskel: I can't believe I'm saying this but Jaskier being drunk on this Zoom call is NOT the thing to focus on here  
** **Geralt: and also Lambert, look at his thumbnail  
** **Eskel: yes, Lambert  
** **Eskel: let's talk about Lambert  
** **Eskel: specifically, let's talk about how he was walking around in the background of Jaskier's video IN HIS UNDERWEAR**

Jaskier looks at Lambert. Lambert looks right back, unashamed. "I'm just saying, if we as a society normalized nudity this wouldn't even be a weird conversation."

**Geralt: yeah, and?  
** **Lambert: YEAH, AND??????  
** **Eskel: wha--  
** **Eskel: Geralt tell me you're not that dumb. THEY'RE FUCKING. LAMBERT AND JASKIER ARE FUCKING.  
** **Geralt: yes  
** **Eskel: wait  
** **Lambert: what  
** **Jaskier: wait WHAT  
** **Geralt: my office is right next to the supply closet. any idea how loud metal shelves are when they repeatedly bang into the wall next to your desk? very, that's how loud**

"I  _ told _ you the supply closet was a bad idea," groans Jaskier.

"I needed  _ immediate dicking, _ Jaskier, we've been over this! Desperate times, desperate measures!"

**Eskel: Oh my god, you KNEW??  
Geralt: yes  
Eskel: and you didn't TELL ME?  
Geralt: hey Eskel  
Eskel: what  
Geralt: Lambert and Jaskier are fucking  
Geralt: There, now I told you  
Eskel: I hate all of you**

"Well, that went better than expected," Jaskier slurs, that last mug of alcohol starting to kick in. Fortuitously, sometime during that text exchange, the Staff Meeting To End All Staff Meetings had finally concluded and he's now looking at the blank Zoom menu. Good. He feels a naked nap with Lambert coming on, and that's _definitely_ not workplace appropriate.

"Sure, sure," Lambert yawns, like he might be thinking about something along the same lines. "That's only because we haven't gotten to the part where we have to put up with their bullshit about it for the next twenty years."

It's an offhand comment, and maybe it's just the alcohol, but Jaskier's brain catches on the words and won't let go.  _ Twenty years. _ Lambert looks at him with surprise, like he's only just registered the words himself, and Jaskier gives him a smile that tequila refuses to allow him to curb with nervousness. "Planning on sticking around for a while, then?"

"Shut up, Jaskier," Lambert says, but he looks awfully fond.

"You first, asshole," answers Jaskier.

And that's that.

**Author's Note:**

> don't tell my boss, ok??
> 
> stfustucky | tumblr  
> @stfustucky | twitter  
> Charlie Stfustucky#3055 | discord


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